Your Audience Questions Answered... and More! - MPM #66

As the New Year rapidly approaches, it's time to answer some of your listener questions. In a self-reflective episode, Collier puts his trademark "perpetually optimistic" spin on what are otherwise very heartwrenching topics.

Episode topics include:

• Why did my Collier's mother's family not take me in after her murder?

• What did detectives find was Collier's mother's final cause of death?

• Did Collier ever visit his father in prison?

YouTube link to this episode: https://youtu.be/Vmrmd1C1ssA

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MPM 66 - Your Questions Answered

Collier Landry: [00:00:00] Was my mother and what was the last thing that went through her head? I'm pretty sure that it's like, I hope he doesn't kill Collier and Elizabeth. I'm pretty sure that is probably the last thing that went through my mother's head, which in a lot of ways it's very noble and you know, obviously her mother wants to protect her child.

Collier Landry: But also really, really sad. [00:00:30] Really, really sad to me because she potentially left this world not knowing.

Collier Landry: Testimony continued. Today in the most notorious criminal trial in Richland County history. Dr. John Boyle is accused of killing his wife Noreen and burying her body in the basement of his new home in Erie, Pennsylvania. The 12 year old son [00:01:00] finally took the stand as I heard a scream. I heard a thud was about this loud.

Collier Landry: We the jury, find the defendant guilty. When I was 12 years old, my testimony sent my father to prison for murdering my mother. This podcast serves as a type of therapy and reconciliation for myself, and it is my hope that it helps anyone who has experienced deception, betrayal, and dark trauma. I'm Collier Landry, and this is Moving Past Murder.

Collier Landry: Hey [00:01:30] movers. Welcome back to another episode of Moving Past Murder. I'm your host Collier Landry. What's going win on? What's going on people? It is Friday. December 2nd. That means there's, there's 23 days left until Christmas, and I'll tell you something, not a decoration in sight for this podcast host. Not at all.

Collier Landry: I'll probably get a tree up on the 24th if I do at all. No. Maybe next week [00:02:00] for those of you watching on YouTube, you will see in the background some sort of festive Christmas decoration, . Uh, you know, the holidays are always really tough for me because all of my trauma is sort of centered around the holidays.

Collier Landry: Unfortunately, for me, it's always at the end of the year, I get. A little depressed. I get a little, uh, depressed isn't the right word. I think it's, I get a little sad because as anyone who goes through trauma that is centered around this time of year, [00:02:30] I don't know, the holidays just don't have that meaning to me that I think they would've had, they used to have when I was a kid, right before my mother was murdered on New Year's Eve and before all that, like, I think.

Collier Landry: All the leading up to it. I kind of, it all plays back in my head every year. I can't help it. No amount of therapy will ever fix that. You can't really change your memories. Uh, unfortunately. So it's in my head and, you know, I just hope [00:03:00] to make new ones. And I do have great memories too, but, you know, uh, sort of there at the, the end of when all the, the murder occurred and everything, that was all just really marred.

Collier Landry: And the holidays were marre because of that. And, you know, I don't know. It's, uh, . Yeah. So they don't take on the meaning that. Had hoped they would take on, I don't know, I maybe I'm blabbering on, on, I know that a lot of people go through their own stuff during the holidays and that's nothing new to anyone.

Collier Landry: You know, especially you [00:03:30] guys. You reach out to me on the show and you've comments and, and I know a lot of people go through it in the holidays and, you know, I just did my, uh, Goble goble. Gaslight episode. Reading a Thanksgiving letter. A Thanksgiving Day letter from my father with a card and, oh, speaking of gaslighting, so the , it was, I read an article on NPR the other day that said that gaslighting is Miriam Webster's 2022 word of.[00:04:00]

Collier Landry: I guess last year it was like vaccinations, um, or vaccine or something, I don't know. Uh, and this year, gas lighting, which I guess must imply that it must be the most searched term on their dictionary website. I don't know. So the article says gas lighting behavior, that's mind manipulating, grossly misleading, downright deceitful is Miriam Webster's Word of the year.

Collier Landry: Lookups for the word on Miriam webster.com increased [00:04:30] 1740% in 2022 over the year before, but something else happened. There wasn't a single event that drove significant spikes and curiosity as it usually goes with the chosen word of the year. The gas lighting was pervasive. That is kind of, well, it's a bit of a mind fuck

Collier Landry: Uh, I guess it's a double edged sword for me really when you think about it. There are so many people that are becoming aware of like narcissism and narcissistic [00:05:00] tendencies and manipulation techniques and tactics and, and gaslighting and, and things of that nature, right? And have unfortunately been either themselves or had loved ones in abusive relationships, whether it be with a parent, spouse, you know, significant other friendship, whatever that looks like.

Collier Landry: Right? Uh, so I guess it's top of mind for so many people now, which is again, Really tragic, but also. Really beneficial because a lot of people are recognizing these behaviors for what they are, and I know that that is something [00:05:30] personally that comes to me when I post letters for my father or I talk about my situation.

Collier Landry: So many people, I mean, I was just on Dr. Romney's podcast a few weeks ago and we discussed this and her. Podcast is called Navigating Narcissism on iHeartRadio, part of Red Table Talk. If you haven't listened to those episodes with myself and Tara Newell talking about our new podcast Survivor Squad and her, her story of the Dirty John and John Mehan and her mother, Deborah Newell.

Collier Landry: And my story with my father and, [00:06:00] uh, his narcissism and psychopathy really is what it is, . So, uh, it's a great episode. You should check him about, there's. These things are becoming so on, you know, they're just top of mind for everyone. I, you know, again, it's a good and a bad thing. I know you guys feel this cuz you reach out to me about it.

Collier Landry: So, uh, I wanna go to this week's listener comment, question, message of the week. This one comes from Kate on ig, just regular Kate, c a t e. Uh, she says, you're so brave. Call your, I just watched this in the UK and could not believe what you witnessed as a young. [00:06:30] You have the most courage I've seen I've ever seen.

Collier Landry: And just to tell you, I hope this next chapter of your life is filled with tons of happiness. You certainly deserve it. Much love, Kate from the UK and lots of heart and UK Flag Union Jack Emojis. Well, thank you Kate so much. Uh, I really appreciate it. Yeah. Uh, I am looking forward to chapters of happiness.

Collier Landry: And look, I have been able to do amazing things with my life, uh, despite all of this. And. [00:07:00] It, it is great and I was able to make a film about it, and I'm able to make this podcast, which helps people and which helps, uh, initiate these conversations. I feel like. About things like gaslighting, for example, and helps benefit you guys, my audience.

Collier Landry: And that's why I create this content. I wanna give a big shout out to Brianna Kutz, who just became a member of my Patreon. Thank you so much for your support at the top tier. I really appreciate it cuz your support on my patreon, patreon.com/callier landry, it's all in the show notes. It helps support this program.

Collier Landry: Thank you very [00:07:30] much. Uh, so this week's episode I want to talk about. Uh, TikTok questions that I get and I respond to some of them on TikTok, but then I just have this whole slew that people ask me in videos. And I just posted a recent video of, uh, my encounter with Dr. Phil and the Dr. Phil Show when he says that my father is a psychopath because we are watching a murder in Mansfield and we're seeing the segment when I'm confronting my father.

Collier Landry: And, uh, he's just like, this man's a psychopath [00:08:00] and. I guess I always thought my father was a sociopath. And then as I mentioned Dr. Romney earlier, we discussed that on her program. Uh, what the difference is, and again, I'm not a psychologist, I don't even believe that the, the association of psychology, whatever that is, recognizes like sociopathy and psychopathy and maybe even narcissism as disorders.

Collier Landry: I don't know. I'm not a psychologist or a medical professional. I'm just a person who's experienced all this stuff. But, so I'm here not to [00:08:30] really diagnose anyone, but Dr. Phil said that, and I guess psychopaths are calculated and I came to sort of really, I'm still coming to really understand that, that there's a procedure behind it and there's a flow to it and everything is very calculated and organized.

Collier Landry: And I think a lot of viewers sometimes are, listen. Sometimes don't understand that my mother's murder was premeditated. It was not [00:09:00] an act of just, um, you know, a crime of passion, if you will. You know, my father lost his temper, pushed my mother, she hit her head, whatever it was. There was a very systematic organizational flow through which all of it happened.

Collier Landry: Getting a house asking about lowering the basement floor, cuz he's gonna prepare her crypt under there, uh, running a jackhammer, running a cold storage. I mean, all of these things, setting up his own alibis. All of these things led to we're all, [00:09:30] you know, done before she was killed. So it's very, uh, It's very shocking to me when people when people will say, oh, you know, it, it just, you know.

Collier Landry: Do you ever think that he was just in the moment? I'm like, no. I absolutely do not think that he was in the moment. Uh, I think he knew exactly what he was doing, and I think he didn't really care. And I think that is the very nature of psychopaths, which is one of the reasons why I think a lot of people in the true crime world who are victims, [00:10:00] survivors, advocates, and they advocate.

Collier Landry: They advocate for. There some, there sometimes tends to be a very, I feel like there sometimes tends to be a glorification of these people, these killers. I mean, there's been a lot of controversy, uh, over Dahmer recently, which is a Netflix series, and I think that, and I, and I've spoken to 'em about this before, several times, like guests and on other episodes of this podcast, but [00:10:30] there tends to be.

Collier Landry: I think that a lot of people dify them or glorify their behavior and um, and that's not good. certainly not good, and it creates an obsession. I know a lot of people were obsessed with killers like John Wayne Gacy, for example, but, uh, it's not good. Uh, psychopathy is a very, very bad, cold, callous, evil thing that these people do.

Collier Landry: So, um, I don't know. That leads me in actually to a [00:11:00] question from TikTok, which came from this Dr. Phil video that I posted. So this user, uh, Natalie Zaha, oh, actually, I'm sorry, this is from YouTube. My. This actually comes from Yout. So this actually, so this actually leads me into this next viewer question, which was on YouTube and has also been proposed on TikTok as well,[00:11:30]

Collier Landry: which leads me into this week's.

Collier Landry: Which leads me into answering questions in this week's episode, but this first question, uh, that was posed to me by Nadia Zaha says, does your dad think you are lucky that you're still alive?[00:12:00]

Collier Landry: This is something that I think about a lot. It's really weird and I realize. , there's this sort of, when you face someone who is that big of a monster in, in a way that is so highly personal, right? The murder of your mother, right? And you hear it happen [00:12:30] and you are in bed pretending to be asleep, and my father's peering.

Collier Landry: Looking at me and I'm like, don't look up. Something's telling me don't look up. I think a lot about this, like in that psychopathy. Uh, because I always, when I tell people the story, I, I say, you know, if I had looked up, you know, I wouldn't be here today 1000000%. If there could be, so it's really a hundred percent.

Collier Landry: [00:13:00] You can't go higher than a hundred percent. But I would just, there's no, there's not a chance in hell that I would still be here if I had looked up, because at that point, when you think about it, right? It's nothing to make the hole a little bigger. Think about that for a second. It's nothing to make the hole, the crypt that he dug underneath the basin floor of the house, it's nothing to make it a little bit bigger to throw your son in and be like, oh yeah, she left with the, you know.

Collier Landry: [00:13:30] And God forbid my sister too. Oh, she left for the kids. I don't know what happened. Like, poor me, you know, victim narcissist. Because when you're dealing with someone who is a psychopath, it's all just a numbers game. Right? It's, it's a, it's very, it's, it's a zero sum game for them, right? They are. It's nothing to just be like, oh, my son.

Collier Landry: Like, forget it, you know? I don't care. You witness it. He's, he's now a threat to me, it's, it's all about if you perceive them as a threat, which is. In those later days in [00:14:00] January, 1990, when I knew that my father was like catching on to the fact that I'm talking to police at school and giving them all this info.

Collier Landry: That's why they keep coming around the house asking questions that, uh, you know, he was gonna take me to Florida for a medical conference, which. They are only in the spring. They weren't in the dead of winter. We'd just gotten back from Christmas break, you know, so I talk about that a lot and I think about it a lot.

Collier Landry: And you know, this is, you know, I was just even thinking last night I was making some [00:14:30] food for dinner and I was thinking about like what, and again, this kind of dovetails with the holiday thing, right? What does my sense of normal really look like to the outside? Because for me, like my normal is my normal, right?

Collier Landry: Like I only know my life and that's it. So that to me, Is normal that you just deal with all this stuff. I often wonder like, what is it like to grow up with a really wonderful, happy [00:15:00] family and everything came up, roses, and you got support and love and you, and you went on to college and you graduated top of your class and you had a, you got married and had this wonderful, you know, picket fence and blah, blah.

Collier Landry: And I realize that people go down those paths in life and it's not all, you know, the grass isn't always greener on the other side, as they say. But I just, I don't even under, like, I don't even comprehend that. In so many ways, and I've talked about this with a lot of my guests on the show that also have gone through massive trauma, but it is something that, [00:15:30] again, it's the time of year, all these things are top of mind for me, and it's, it just runs through my head like, what, what would my life look like?

Collier Landry: I'm gonna do a what if episode one of these days for sure, because I'm, I want to kind of play it all out in my head, like, what would these things look like for me if, let's say my father had gotten away with. Or let's say that I had accepted the story that Oh yeah, she just left. Oh, okay. Thanks dad. That makes sense.

Collier Landry: Okay. I guess we'll just carry on like normal. And unfortunately, the other thing is, is that [00:16:00] there are some people that do experience that, that are, that do have parents that, that, that murder the other parent or a situation that they're in. And they are manipulated into thinking that, that the parent just left.

Collier Landry: I mean, you know, a couple weeks ago I. Sarah attorney on this program who hosts the podcast Voices for Justice, and she's an amazing young woman doing amazing things, not only for the memory of her sister Alyssa and justice for her, but then also, you know, helping other families of victims, [00:16:30] uh, get the word out and, and make headway on their cases and bring people to justice.

Collier Landry: So it's incredible she's doing, but she even was under the impression oppression that her, her sister, who was like a mother to her because she lost her mother very. That, uh, her sister just left and then she was forced to accept that until she actually found out what really happened. And, you know, that's just, that's a hard road, a hoe, that's for sure.

Collier Landry: But I think about that too, is, you know, I'm also very grateful that I at [00:17:00] least knew all this stuff. Cause I can't imagine growing up and. Feeling that way. And, and this is gonna lead me into another topic because I get asked these questions all the time, and I'm gonna go, I have a list of questions right here in front of me, but you know, people do ask me about my family and I'll just roll into it that, you know, um, Becky Friday, Becky under Friday on TikTok said, hi, Collier.

Collier Landry: I hope you don't mind me asking why you didn't go to live with your mom's side of the family. Wishing you love and light. So, hey movers. I wanna take a [00:17:30] moment to tell you about this week's show sponsor Skylight frame. Now, if you guys are looking for a special gift for the holidays, for the special people in your life, you've gotta check out Skylight Frame.

Collier Landry: Now, skylight Frame is a photo frame that you can update instantly by email from anywhere. It's a great way to feel close to those you love, even when you're far apart. It sets up effortlessly in under 60 seconds. Just plug it in. Use the touch screen to connect to your wireless network and. And sending photos to the skylight frame.[00:18:00]

Collier Landry: Effortless. Everyone in the family can use the app or they can email them directly to the skylight and they'll pop up in seconds. Multiple people can send photos to the frame and it's a great way to keep large networks of friends and family in touch. It has a black frame and a white mat, so it looks like a real photo frame.

Collier Landry: I have it sitting right here next to my desk and it is just beautiful to look at. The images are crystal clear. It's a fantastic, and it's so easy to use. That's the thing. Now you can choose from two options of the skylight, either the [00:18:30] original 10 inch or the new large 15 inch frame. And here's the thing about Skylight frame, they offer a 100% satisfaction guarantee.

Collier Landry: So if you don't like your skylight, they will offer you a full. Refund. How can you beat that? Now as a special offer, you can get $15 off your purchase of a skylight frame when you go to skylight frame.com and enter code moving. That's right. To get $15 off your purchase of a skylight frame, just go to [00:19:00] skylight frame.com and enter code moving.

Collier Landry: That's S K Y L I G H T R A M e.com promo code. Moving. I mean for me having the skylight frame, I've loaded it with a bunch of pictures from when I was growing up with my mother during the holidays cuz she loved Christmas so much and she used to decorate the house so beautifully. And I'm able to put those in the skylight frame, have it sitting right here next to me as I'm working, as I'm making this podcast and creating content for you guys.

Collier Landry: [00:19:30] And I get to share those wonderful memories. And it's really. So check out skylight frame for my mother's side of the family. I very distinctly remember my Aunt Carol, who is my, uh, godmother. And I don't, you know, I don't, it's really hard for me to talk about these things cause I'm not here to excoriate my family and, and blame or shame anyone.

Collier Landry: But this, this is the fact, these are the facts that, yes, I had a conversation with them and she said, we cannot take you in because you look like your father. That was literally what they said. [00:20:00] And I know that this is a trauma response. I know that some people just can't handle things the way that I had to handle them, and that's just totally acceptable.

Collier Landry: And a lot of times I feel like in these situations when I was growing up, that I was, I had to be the adult, uh, for everyone in my family. And it's very, you know, um, Again, I don't want to, you know, stir up any drama, but in a lot of ways, like, yeah, I mean, it is fucked , but it's, it's also like, what, [00:20:30] what do you do in this situation?

Collier Landry: You're delta losing hand. Like you can't force someone to take care of you. You can't force someone to be in their family. I, I can't even imagine being there. And then they would look at me every. And think of my father and then treat me poorly potentially because of it. That would've been, that would've really sucked too.

Collier Landry: That's unfair. At least in a lot of ways when I think about it. At least they were honest. At least I knew from jump, Hey, this is how we feel. It ain't gonna work [00:21:00] out. Sorry buddy. Good luck in foster care. like, okay. And, and to be honest, I was eventually adopted by a wonderful family, the Zis, and they've been amazing.

Collier Landry: And, and I did have a happy ending in that way. Yeah. At least with my mother's side of the family, they were just like, Hey, uh, Yeah, we just, we can't handle it. So at least I knew up front, right? Because I can't imagine there are many, unfortunately there are many kids in situations that grow up. Whether it be that, you know, they [00:21:30] were, the mother was forced to have a child because they didn't have a, they didn't terminate the pregnancy or they got pregnant and they were too young, or whatever it is or whatever final family dynamic that is.

Collier Landry: I'm not here to talk about that, but what I am here to discuss is there, there are kids. So there are so many children that have grown up, not only in the foster care system, but have been adopted, but have also been raised by relatives that were like a pariah. in their families because of something that either their, their, uh, parented or, or some [00:22:00] related to or whatever.

Collier Landry: And you sort of wear this like knitted scarlet letter A on your, on your breast plate, right, on your, on your chest, and. I said breastplate really on your chest and you, you grow up like that. And for those of you, I'm making a reference to the Scarlet Letter. It's a book. We all read it when we were growing up, at least if you went to school in the United States, I hope you did.

Collier Landry: At least it's an interesting book for sure. But anyways, they grow up in these circumstances where they are just never [00:22:30] allowed to, to a themselves and be there judged by this. And this is also like, you know, one of the reasons why I left my small town right is not because I necessarily felt anyone was judging me.

Collier Landry: I just never, I always wanted to know that whenever somebody was interacting with me, it was for the right reasons and not the wrong ones. Not because, oh, my dad murdered my mom and I'm known for that. Or it was a famous case, or whatever nonsense it is. Right. And I think that's just part of like trying to find out who you are as an individual.

Collier Landry: I'm sorry, that [00:23:00] was probably a really long winded way of answering. And maybe I didn't, but that's just sort of my, that's just sort of my thoughts on the subject. Uh, so Becky Friday, thank you for posing that question. Uh, the next one comes from Wendy Ackman. Uh, on again, on, uh, TikTok and it says, hi. I wanted to know if I'm really talking to you on TikTok or is there a person or persons pretending to be you?

Collier Landry: Yes, there are. Just so everyone knows, there are lots of imposter accounts on [00:23:30] Instagram. and on TikTok, I keep bringing it up to Facebook, meta Instagram, they say, oh no, these people, people report it. They say, oh, somebody reported the account. Oh, well we determined that they're not violating anything, any policies.

Collier Landry: Well, they have my picture and they have my name. And, and that's what they're saying, who they are. And they're interacting with people saying, Hey, you're a big fan. Hey big fan. How long have I known you? How long you been a big fan for? And some people that they contact have literally been, I've known them for 20 some years, and they're like, well, why don't you tell me how we know each other, buddy?

Collier Landry: Uh, so they know it's a scammer, but like, watch [00:24:00] out for. All my stuff. If you're engaging with me, it's me. Um, and if I say it's me, usually is if I'm doing the videos. But, uh, just watch out. Anyways, that's enough of that nonsense trauma. Mama Mo on TikTok wanted to know, have I ever visited him in prison, meaning my father in prison.

Collier Landry: And uh, yes, I have visited my father. Well over a hundred and maybe even 200 times in prison since he's been [00:24:30] incarcerated. He was incarcerated for incarcerated for almost 32 years. I have not seen him since I made the film A murder in Mansfield. And for those of you watching on YouTube, there is a photograph over my right shoulder and uh, that is a photograph of myself and him.

Collier Landry: Having a, uh, I dunno if you call it a showdown, , but we are having a conversation in prison in the film of Murder of Mansfield, which was crazy. Let me actually do this. That is me and my father [00:25:00] sitting there in the prison in a murder of Mansfield. So yes, there is proof that I have visited my father in prison.

Collier Landry: Uh, yeah. So hopefully that answers your question. And just for fun, somebody in whose username I could not even read it was just a bunch of letters. They said, if you had to get rid of one fast food, what would it be? Well, the answer to that is all of them, absolutely . Absolutely fast food is nasty. It's gross.

Collier Landry: Don't eat it. That's my take on that. Unless of course you wanna come on this [00:25:30] program and talk a bell. You wanna gimme a bunch of money? No, seriously, I fast food? Not, not, not good. This next question comes from Debbie Swartz 9 0 6 on TikTok, and she says, I'm confused. What did the detectives say was the manner of her death, and where did he find her?

Collier Landry: Well, Debbie, So my mother was, so it's interesting because I have over the course of my life. I [00:26:00] have wondered all of these things, right? And one of the things that I wondered is I was always mostly under the impression that my mother was suffocated by my father with a plastic bag over her head. And that is ultimately what ended her life.

Collier Landry: And I was okay with that for a really long time. It wasn't until I started delving into more things as I was doing the film, but [00:26:30] also just for my own personal, uh, just for my own personal development and just sort of comprehension. Because I think when you go through something that is really as traumatic and as devastating as the murder of your mother by your.

Collier Landry: That you, you have to process things in chunks. You have to come to your own sort of conclusions naturally in a way where you just are like, okay, this is what it [00:27:00] is. Okay. I can process this much. Okay. I pro, because I processed a lot at a very young age, in a very compressed amount of. You know, my mother goes missing.

Collier Landry: My father is acting strange. I'm working with police to, to help find out what happened to her to help, and ultimately helping them lead them to the house with their amazing detective work. And, uh, ultimately my father's arrested. And then, you know, then he goes to trial. I testify at trial. Then it's all over within, you know, [00:27:30] seven months, eight months.

Collier Landry: I mean, that portion of it, at least the, the verdict portion, it's, it's never over. I think that, uh, you know, I, I, so I processed a lot during that time period, and then I went through a period of my life where I didn't wanna process any more of it, where I was like, okay, I'm good for a while with processing all of this.

Collier Landry: I'm like, I'm, I'm cool with that. I can, I can try to move on and go through adolescence and teenage years and high [00:28:00] school and co like. I can, I'm good with that for a moment. And I think that it isn't it, a lot of it is, it started like as I was getting into making my film, but really a lot of it has been since I started making this podcast where I was really diving into more facts about the case, reading more letters from my father, for example, going through newspaper articles, listening to recordings of him, giving interviews, talking to the judge.

Collier Landry: I mean, there's all [00:28:30] these things that have. Come out of nowhere, even just like the last six months of doing this show that I am still processing and I'll probably be processing for quite a while. And, but one of those things was again, finding out that my mother was not only because the autopsy had said suffocate suffocation by a plastic bag, which is why I asked my father like, why'd you put a plastic bag over her head?

Collier Landry: But. [00:29:00] Uh, there's also this element of, uh, of a secondary trauma, which is blunt force trauma to the head, and that was something I didn't know for a really long time and really didn't wanna think about either. You know, I think one of the things that, that I think about quite a bit, obviously there's a lot of self-reflection in this episode, but one of the things I think a lot about.[00:29:30]

Collier Landry: Processing all this trauma and going through things like having nightmares or having dreams, seeing these horrific things. Having moments where things scare me or, or I just, like, I don't sleep right? Or there's these, you, there's a lot of stuff that happens. As you're growing up and as you're, even as a, as a grown man now, like we're, [00:30:00] you're processing these things on a daily basis and these things come back to you and it's like, oh, okay, so.

Collier Landry: Now, wait a minute. Hold on. So the violent act that I thought ended my mother's life, which was suffocation, which was already really horrific. Now there was a hammer or an A, a sharp object involved that cracked the, crushed the back of her skull. And that also added to that. And is that what happened? And then of course you go through.[00:30:30]

Collier Landry: Absolutely very logical thing of thinking like, did she feel that? Was she Where, I think that is probably the number one thing that haunts me on so many levels is that I think about, and you know what? Just to be straight up, this all really started. This all really started bubbling to the surface a few weeks ago when I had to put my chihuahua blonie to sleep, who I had for almost 18 years.

Collier Landry: And again, I did an episode about it, but you know, that's [00:31:00] almost seven years longer than I had my own mother in my life. And I was thinking about it, it brought up all this stuff to the surface and, and I was thinking about, you know, she's gonna be euthanized, right? And I was concerned of her being in. And as I'm at the doctors and as she was, look, she wasn't in pain.

Collier Landry: And, and I would, which is why I jumped on it immediately. She'd had a stroke and a few days later she was gone. Right. I wanted to make sure it was as PainFREE as [00:31:30] possible, but it made me think of like, what, and I'll talk about this in other episodes, but what, like was my mother in.

Collier Landry: Was my mother and what was the last thing that went through her head. I'm pretty sure that it's like, I hope he doesn't kill Collier and Elizabeth, I'm pretty sure that is probably the last thing that went through my mother's head, which [00:32:00] in a lot of ways is very noble. And you know, obviously a mother wants to protect her child, but also really, really.

Collier Landry: Really, really sad to me because she potentially left this world not knowing

Collier Landry: what would happen to her children. That's a lot [00:32:30] to think about. That's a lot to process. Oh, the holidays. Aren't they fun? Oh, the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful and serious with no place to go. Let it. Let it snow, let it snow. Oh man, sometimes all you can do. Is [00:33:00] just sort of sing and be happy and just go, Hey, this is, this is what we got.

Collier Landry: This is what we're working with, , this is what we're working with. Yeah, the holidays, they bring up a lot of thoughts. Uh, yeah, I don't really know. This is a strange time of year for me, , but. Like I shared a lot, I'm gonna elaborate on this a lot more, but it's, [00:33:30] it's pretty emotional stuff. I, I feel like I'd have to really love to talk to somebody about this.

Collier Landry: Oh, Dr. Jaffy, you're gonna earn your money this next session, aren't you buddy? ? Oh boy. Yeah. These are the thoughts that come through my head on the holidays, and these are what I think about. And then when I read these questions and I go, oh, yeah, and it gets me into sort of a zone, and I'm making these episodes of the podcast.

Collier Landry: I'm talking about all this on this. Uh, you know, it's, um, this is, you know what guys? This is just me. I'm just [00:34:00] being as, as brutally honest and as vulnerable as I can be, I guess. And hopefully you guys are gleaning some sort of benefit out of this. And, um, because I am, and look, I, I really do enjoy talking about these things and I really do share, enjoy sharing this because I know it helps so many people.

Collier Landry: It really helps myself too. This is a lot. This is a, this podcast has become such a cathartic journey for me, and I thank all of. For being a part of that. So, uh, until next week, I'm Collier Landry and this is Moving [00:34:30] Past Murder.

Thanks y'all.

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